Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Blogmas Day Eight

Remember how I said I'd be back in the festive mood today?  I lied.  Today I'm going to teach you how to survive a family holiday party! 
Survival Tip Number One:  Just Don't Go
I know this may seem like an obvious, or have you wondering if any of my advice is worth anything (which to be honest it's probably not) but a lot of people don't even think of doing this. If the party is held at your home, stay in your room until summoned or hide the bathroom.  If your family is like mine and insists on going to another location for family parties (seriously if we are hosting the party and ten people are coming I don't think we need to rent a venue) pretend to be sick.  Remember: if you're going to pretend to be sick, be sure to act a bit sick the night before.  Another pro tip would be to act really reluctant about not going (ie "Sorry! I just threw up but I'm sure it was just  some bad food.  I'll power through! Just give me some gatorade I'll do it...)

Survival Tip Number Two:  Blend in
Okay so you have to go to the party... Try to blend in.  Unless your family is very formal, chances are there are going to be three aunts and at least one uncle who are wearing an ugly Christmas sweater. Be sure to not be to flashy though! Recently my school had an ugly Christmas sweater day and since I love to steal the show from the popular girls at school, I was very flashy.  I would try to not look like me unless you want Aunt Susan to compliment you as loud as possible. 

Seriously tho if you do this it's time to stop.
Survival Tip Three: Smile and nod your way through
School is going fine.  Of course I'm passing all of my classes *sweats* Oh no I don't have a boyfriend.  I don't know why not Uncle Steve, yes I know I'm too young Uncle Bill. To be honest, it's simply easier to lie to all of your relatives than to explain your life.  Like it's much easier to tell your Aunt that school's going fine rather than explain your hatred of that one kid and the clique you despise.  If you can't avoid conversation, make sure the person speaking feels awkward and bored.  I know it's hard but it's necessary to avoid social interaction.

Survival Tip Four:  Your relatives do not decide what you can eat
"Well I see why you've gained the weight" chuckles your Aunt Stacy as you look at the plate you've made for yourself forlornly.  People are rude.  You can ignore them, but fun comebacks are better. 

Survival Tip Five: Don't use mean comebacks on your family.
Yes, it's very fun, but it's a very bad idea.  I speak from all too much experience.  

 Survival Tip Six:  Your phone is your saving grace
*insert bad republican joke / opinion here* Oh no your phone just rang.  You better go answer it.  It's probably your friend talking about that school project worth half your grade and they can only talk at this exact moment.  

So I probably wouldn't follow any of this advice but if you want to try, go for it.
Hugs and Virtual Sweaters,
Katniss Stone.